His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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