i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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