And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
