did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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