if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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