Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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