I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
