On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
