sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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