FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
