Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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