i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
