I haven't been this sober since birth.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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