i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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