Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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