my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
