OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
