Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
