I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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