The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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