New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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