I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
