No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
