Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
