I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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