I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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