I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
