Will you blow on my dice?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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