Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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