Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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