I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
