Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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