i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
