Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
