He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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