Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
