Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
