I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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