im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
