remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i came on her dog
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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