tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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