Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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