No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
