U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Even my vagina gasped.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
