From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
