Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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