I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
