I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
