My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
