This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
