i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
